Exorcising the Diet Demons For Good

A few years ago while pregnant with my second son I gained 80 pounds.  Eighty.
I was depressed and stressed by the pregnancy and I drowned my sorrows in cupcakes and about 10 more hours of sleep than I needed each day.

After the pregnancy something ugly happened to me. I stopped liking my body.  I wanted my old figure back. I refused to embrace the extra love handles I had in anyway.  I wasted time looking at pictures of myself in cute roller derby gear and nights out with the hubs and I longed to look like that again.  Less and less frequently did I slip into something "more comfortable" (shall we say?) for my husband. I'd actually cry while getting ready to go out to any event where I was expected to look nice.

Then the articles started to lure me in:  Eight Ways to Dress Thinner, Choose the Most Slimming Style Swimsuit, Look 10lbs Smaller In This Tunic...  “Of course!” I thought.  “I can embrace my size by wearing clothes that make me look thinner.”  I’d stand in front of the mirror, trying on this top with those skinny jeans. And here’s the silly part.  The whole time I was thinking that I had found an emotionally  healthy way to deal with my weight gain, never realizing that I had bought the lie that I NEEDED to look thinner to feel good about myself.

After a few months of obsessing over whether I was “looking thinner,” I decided to join Weight Watchers.  Weight Watchers promotes a healthy weight loss routine by encouraging you to eat healthier foods and watch your portions.  You’re allowed a certain number of Points worth of food each day.  Each food has a point.  Most veggies and fruits have no points.  “Great!” I thought, “Now I’m REALLY being healthy about my weight problem because I’m eating healthier foods and portions.”  “It’s a lifestyle change,”  I’d tell my friends and family.  And I actually lost weight.  About 15 pounds.  So now, in addition to dressing to look thinner I was eating to look thinner.          

Next came the exercise.   I strapped on a pedometer and took to the sidewalks, walking up to four miles a day.  I lost five more pounds!  I felt better.  I had more energy.  People started noticing my weight loss and commenting, “Wow!  You look great!”  Super.  I started running. Now I was dressing, eating, and exercising to look thinner.

Finally the inevitable plateau hit.  It seemed like no matter how closely I tracked my food points or how much I exercised, the scale wouldn’t budge.  After a few weeks of no movement on the scales, I exercised less and stopped counting points.  You see, the fact that I was eating healthier foods and exercising more didn’t matter because I wasn’t trying to be healthy. I was dying to be thin. Eventually I stopped going to Weight Watchers.  And the weight came back.  And I hated myself. I stopped trying to “look cute.”  I stopped looking in the mirror because I knew I wasn’t going to like what I saw.  Why bother?  I stopped trying to dress like I weighed ten pounds less.  What’s clean?  What’s comfortable?  That’s what I’m wearing.  I’ve got kids to nurture and classes to teach.  

Somewhere in that season of giving up, something really good happened to me.  I stopped caring about whether or not I looked thinner.  Did I enjoy carrying around an extra 30 pounds? No.  But I was no longer spending my day obsessing over whether I was doing everything I could to look and be thinner.   Oh,  I had days where I would fall into a funk about it, but it was no longer my reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

In late December I decided I needed a little post holiday detox.  I wanted to start eating healthier foods. First step was to give up meat for a year. Second step, to replace the meat with healthier, whole foods.  Here’s the crucial difference.  I made the commitment because I wanted to be healthier, not thinner.  

Without checking the scales every week or counting points, I have for the past two months been eating healthier foods, lots of leafy greens, beans, and whole grains.  I don’t crave processed foods and sweets as much.  I am never hungry.  I don’t limit how much I eat based on how many calories or Weight Watcher’s points something has.  I don’t attend meetings that refresh my obsession with whether or not I’m thin enough yet.  I don’t read articles about how many fewer calories one snack has over another.  When looking for new recipes I check the iron levels, the vitamins, the calcium, the protein...  That’s all.

It wasn’t until I joined Pinterest that I realized how much my obsession with weight loss had changed.  So many beautiful, strong women were pinning motivational quotes on their boards with images of very thin, fit women.  Why did their pins bother me so much?  It struck me one night that I was once using images with quotes like these to motivate myself to stick to my diet.  What I was actually doing was posting unrealistic images for myself to strive towards. With every glance at these women that I would never look like, I was moving further away from a healthy acceptance of myself.  Now that I wasn’t obsessed with weight loss I could see how dangerous and unfair many of those pictures are.  I wanted to comment under every pin, “YOUR WORTH IS ABOUT SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!  QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!”     

I made a promise to myself to never let what other people look like, influence how I feel about me.  I won’t FLOG myself with quotes that say ”You can do it!” in a tone that actually implies, “You’re not good enough until you do!”

Sitting here, 30lbs heavier than I’d like to be, I refuse to fall back into the ugly cycle of dieting and self-hatred.    
I promise to never again restrict my portions to be thinner.
I promise to never read another article about how to look thinner.
I promise to never pin up a motivational quote with someone else’s body on it to inspire me to be thinner.
I promise to not become so attached to who I was and who I looked like before I had kids that I can’t enjoy who I am now.
I promise to value who I am because of how I live my life, not how much I weigh.
I promise to go swimming, running, skating, dancing regardless of how big or small the people around me are.  
I promise not to let images in the Victoria Secrets catalog steal my confidence in my husband’s attraction to me.    
I promise to flip the bird to every Nike, Reebok, Jenny Craig and Diet Coke ad that tries to use a woman’s poor body image to sell their product. 

I can use my thoughts and time much more productively by focusing on what I believe makes a person beautiful:

Meditation

Compassion for others

Determination

Nurturing and serving others

Teaching

Learning

Wit

Tolerance

Being able to make a really good cup of coffee... Everyone's got a list. I'm just taking how much someone weighs off of mine.

Now, if you’re waiting for me to tell you how many pounds I’ve lost since I’ve adopted this new perspective you’ve completely missed the point.  I feel a new freedom, like little Kevin felt in Home Alone when he tells the furnace to shut up and yells, “I’m not afraid anymore!”   

DO YOU HEAR ME?  I’M NOT TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT ANYMORE!